I have a confession to make!
I always feel I could be doing more for my son!
I feel guilty for sometimes being snappy, impatient or tired!
Is there more I should be doing to help with school work?
Should I play with him more?
Am I a good enough role model?
People tell me I am a good mum.
I hear the words but I don’t always absorb them. I question myself.
Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We are all just winging it right?
I am sure, as parents, you can all relate to this however parenting a hormonal tween with ASD and Sensory Processing issues has a different set of challenges!
My first picture book, a story dedicated to my wonderful boy, follows the journey of a young boy with “special powers”who with the help of mummy, learns how to deal with worries and anxiety.
It’s currently with my publisher and will be available later this year. They are currently working on the illustrations so I’ll keep you posted!
For now let’s have a look at some of my recent mom fails and see if you can relate ?
WHEN I SAY THE WRONG THING!
ASD children and adults think very literally and you have to watch what you say all the time!
For example the time my son was in a phase of refusing to brush his teeth.
I tried the usual tactics of a light up toothbrush, setting an egg timer for two minutes, I think we even went through a phase of singing and dancing our way through it.
You name it , we tried it!
One day, at my wits end, without thinking I said:
“If you don’t brush every day, your teeth will drop out”
This started a whole conversation into the fact that he now has adult teeth and if they drop out he will need false ones!
Well ….. presently, I’m surprised he has any gums left! He brushes so hard he gags and he constantly checks to see if his teeth are wobbly or he will ask me to wobble them and check !
He’s become obsessed!
His teeth are now whiter than any Love Island Contestant. He’s got Turkey Teeth (literally).
UNSURE ABOUT DISCIPLINE AND SETTING BOUNDARIES
With discipline and boundaries, I’ll be honest, I have never known what I am doing here!
How do you discipline an ASD child?
It’s hard to distinguish when a meltdown or tantrum is because of Autism or typical “challenging” behaviour and boundary pushing.
ASD children often have very little control over their meltdowns.
They struggle to understand the world around them. It’s a confusing and scary place.
They find it hard to cope with emotions as sometimes they are unable to label how they feel.
ASD tantrums often come from a place of fear not malice.
ASD meltdowns are triggered by overwhelm of the senses. Too much noise, strong smell, too many people, bright lighting, tiredness and of course throw hormones into the mix!
However, as much as my son struggles to make sense of the crazy world around him , he is definitely not stupid. He is exceptionally clever !
He listens, absorbs and repeats everything he hears! Repeats everything!
In the past we dealt with Echolalia. Toddlers with Autism will repeat back what they hear. They mimic your words. Echolalia is quite simply, repetition.
Well now we have an even greater challenge!
I am not sure if it’s Autism, hormones or both, but he has an answer for everything and its usually the answer I would give!
He is turning into ME!
You know when your stressed and you mutter under your breath? We all do it right?
Well the other day I calmly ask E### to help me after dinner to wipe the table and put away the place mats.
“ I have to do everything in this house !” Was the response. Hmm, where has he heard that before?
The other day I asked him what he would like to do after school, to which he replied:
“Go for a walk Mummy”.
During our walk he decided he was tired and shouted at me that it was my fault. When I calmly reminded him, it had been his idea he replied:
“I’ve had enough of your attitude mummy!”
STRUGGLING TO COPE CALMLY WITH REPETITIVE BEHAVIOUR
Trying to stay calm when your day consists of the same question over and over and over, is a big test of patience.
As SEN mums we have been blessed with patience in abundance. But sometimes just sometimes don’t you feel like your teetering on the edge of insanity?
If something is planned, it absolutely must must happen. If it doesn’t it causes a lot of distress. Until the planned event takes place E### will ask repeatedly during the course of the day , if the event is still going to happen.
He needs a lot of reassurance that plans won’t change.
He fixates, until it happens. If it changes…brace yourself!
I realise I can’t control everything (although that is the expectation) but I have yet to master the art of not making promises!
You see I like to make my son happy. I like to make myself happy. So if something exciting is planned, I will share it with him ….. I need to stop that! I need to realise, things can change and that I should probably not tell him too early about planned event.
There is however another argument.
Our kids need to realise that life is unpredictable and things can change. We can’t shield them completely from the unpredictability of life. We need to prepare them?
Sometimes it’s ok to allow them the distress of a change of plans because it prepares them. It arms them with tools needed for life.
I think it comes down to choosing your battles.
DEALING WITH FIXATIONS AND OBSESSIONS
I would like to talk about the school run.
Ordinarily a school run should be pretty uneventful but not with a boy who loves balloons and very loud music!
Being mum to a Sensory Seeker means everything in my world is generally louder and more intense.
I often imagine doing yoga in a hut on on serene lake in the middle of nowhere for a few days.
Maybe that’s why I love writing so much, its a little like therapy.
Anyway back to the school run. The school is about 20 minutes drive each way.
My son loves music. He loves very loud music and he tends to love the same song which we then have to play over and over and over…and OVER ………….you get it.
“Your just like my favourite song going round, round my head” Calum Scott and Lost Frequencies
At the minute his song of choice is Nicki Minaj, Star Ships. Well after a few weeks of the same song I started to feel a little stir crazy.
Not only a fan of music he also loves dancing.
In the car his version of dancing is to rock aggressively back and forth until the car feels like it might levitate off the ground. Not great on a windy day.
Music also stimulates E###. When he is excited he squeaks (tics). So, music =squeaks.
So between Nicki Minaj, intense rocking and squeaking, by the time we get to school, it’s ME that needs time out in the Sensory Space!
HEADPHONES ! Yes that’s the answer… well that’s all well and good except my boy only has one setting, LOUD !.
Now instead of me going slowly insane I am now constantly worried my dear boy is going to blow his eardrums out of his head.
I don’t just need to worry about him being gumless he could be deaf as well!
CHOICE OF CLOTHES
In a bid to try and encourage a little independence I often let E### choose what he wants to wear each day.
He is getting better at this however in the past we have been known to leave the house in odd socks, back to front jumpers, shoes on the wrong feet and even jumpers under t shirts.
Now he chooses , but not always wisely. I remember the time he had swimming lessons at school. He went to school that day wearing pants with a wolf picture on the front and the slogan “Rock Hard”.
Well he is wearing his dads old clothes!
Now you have an image of his dad, right ? Don’t get too excited!
So you see, none of us are perfect. We are all trying our best and you know what, that’s good enough.
If our children are happy, warm, fed and loved, what more can we do?
I would love to hear your stories so please comment, follow and share your stories.
What is the funniest thing you have said to your child?
What has been your funniest mummy fail? Share it with me in the comments section.
Son if you ever read this or I share it with you, know that for all your traits and quirks I love you with all my heart. You are my amazing and special boy and I wouldn’t change a thing about you. I love you for the wonderful boy you are and I am so lucky to be your mum.
If you want to find the best Autism parenting blogs to read have a look at FeedSpot. I’m pleased to say our blog is listed. Click on the link: https://blog.feedspot.com/autism_parenting_blogs/?feedid=5026790
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